I am a father of two little boys and I love it. Joel is two and a half and Jedd is nine months. As much as I thought I was prepared for fatherhood, it is a steep learning curve. This series of posts unpacks my advice to myself if I could go back and write a note to myself before we had our first son. It captures the important concepts that have helped me grow as a new dad.
ADAPT
If could reset anything in my mind before we had our first son it would be this; ADAPT. It is hard to prepare mentally for the different reality that a new child brings. So much joy, tiredness, laughter and uncertainty, all bundled together. Think of a snow globe being shook up. That is my experience as a new dad. It was unsettling. I lost my rhythm of life and struggled to adapt my habits, the structure of my dad and my relationship with my wife to the new experience of being a dad to a little boy. Having a child will change your sleep habits, your eating habits and structure of your day. Being prepared to shift the way your day looks is essential if you are going to maximize the transition you are in. You cannot rule out, structure out, completely push out the chaos that comes with a new addition to the family, but you can pursue some attitudes and actions that will help you adjust better.
1. Identify your priorities, and adapt your day around them.
The more you live proactively with a new child, the easier the transition. You don’t identify what is most important and then proactively plan around those things, you will likely live in reverse.
2. Adjust your speed
The first few weeks may feel like a dead sprint, but it won’t last forever. Endure as best you can. Everyone survives it.
3. Plan on adapting your schedule
You may have to wake up earlier, wake up later, work out in the morning or at night. I really struggled to adjust my schedule and I think it made the transition tougher. I kept operating for awhile like I did before we had kids and that caused greater friction and frustration in myself and our home.
4. Adjust your commitments
Be careful about taking on big, new commitments until you see how you adjust. Everyone is different. Every COUPLE is different. It is not just a matter of how you adjust, it is also about how your spouse adjusts. Paying attention to how you and your spouse are adjusting will lower the tension in your home during this new season. Make commitments based on both of your adjustment levels and not simply your own.
5. Adjust your communication
Be prepare to possibly adjust your communication as a couple. Will you have to move your date time to morning or to evening depending on the baby sitters? Will you be disciplined to make time for just the two of you? As you might experience personal tiredness amongst the joy of a new child, it will be easier to put both your focuses on the child as a couple and start to see your communication with each other diminish. Make sure you keep feeding that relationship, because your relationship with your spouse always forms the foundation for the health of the home. The area of communication may already be an issue, or you may be thriving in it during the first year, but the main thing is to pay attention and be ready to shift how and when you communicate/connect if necessary.
Reflection Questions|
1. What are you looking forward to the most about becoming a dad?
2. Which of the five focus areas above do you think will be hardest for you to adapt?
3. What does it look like to have an adaptive attitude in the first two years of father-hood?
4. Why is it important to have an adaptive attitude to thrive?
5. What is the difference between a reactive and proactive attitude when it comes to adapting your preferences, schedule and commitments?
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